For those who are new here, I am a teacher in a mixed-age classroom of young toddlers through preschoolers. Our days are usually filled with the predictable rhythms of early childhood: snack time negotiations, lesson time triumphs, and the occasional dispute over who had the red shovel first.

Last week, however, something more uncommon happened that shook up the usual morning routine.

One of my youngest students bit a classmate on the shoulder–hard enough to break the skin. I immediately cleaned the wound, applied a bandage, and soothed the injured child with an ice pack and reassurance. Then I sat with the child who had done the biting. We talked about what teeth are for, about using words when we feel frustrated, and about how we can repair harm. He listened quietly, wide-eyed and remorseful.

Once both boys were calm, I assumed the class would return to normal.

About ten minutes later though, I heard crying from across the room.

The child who had done the biting was flat on his back. The injured boy stood over him, shaken and defensive. Neither child had a history of aggression, they were usually close playmates. But when the injured child saw the other approaching, he assumed another painful bite was coming. In his mind, he acted in self-defense by shoving the biter to the floor.

In reality, his classmate was coming to do exactly what I had encouraged him to do: make peace and ask to play trucks together.

Two children. Two very different reactions. Both shaped entirely by a single three second long event.

Neither boy is “evil.” Neither is “bad.” Both were responding to what their young brains had just learned.

The Absorbent Mind

Dr. Maria Montessori famously wrote in her book The Absorbent Mind:

“The most important period of life is not the age of university studies, but the first one, the period from birth to age six. For that is the time when man’s intelligence itself is being formed.”

In my classroom, I see the truth of this every single day.

From birth to six, children absorb their environment effortlessly. They do not analyze it. They do not critique it. They simply internalize it. Their brains are wiring themselves around what they repeatedly see, hear, and feel.

If biting leads to pain, the brain encodes: Protect yourself. If adults respond to frustration with yelling, the brain encodes: Yelling solves problems. If mistakes are met with patience and repair, the brain encodes: Conflict can be resolved safely.

Our worldview begins forming long before we can even articulate it, recite memories or understand why we react the way we do.

Looking at the Extreme Cases

When the nature versus nurture debate surfaces, someone inevitably asks: What about truly evil people?

If we examine the backstory of some of the most violent individuals in modern history, a pattern emerges.

Mohamed Atta was raised in social isolation under a rigid and controlling parenting structure that often utilized the soft hard split dynamic. (*See footnote for more on this)

Samuel Little was abandoned by his teenage mother as an infant and reported having violent fantasies as early as 5 years of age.

Even Ted Bundy who publicly described his upbringing as “wonderful,” had his early years marked by profound family secrecy and intense identity confusion.

To be clear: early trauma does not guarantee violence. The overwhelming majority of children who experience hardship do not grow up to harm others. Human development is far too complex for such direct equations.

However, it is difficult to ignore that formative early experiences consistently appear in the backstories of individuals who later commit atrocities.

Experience matters.

The Classroom is a Microcosm of the World

In my classroom, I see how quickly a single event reshapes perception.

One painful bite transformed a previously friendly peer into a perceived threat. The bitten child’s brain made a rapid calculation: This hurts. It might happen again. Protect yourself.

That is not inherently evil. That is adaptive.

And this is where I land in the nature versus nurture debate:

Children are not born evil.

They are born wired for survival, attachment, and adaptation. Their behavior reflects what they have learned about how the world works.

By the time a child enters kindergarten, they have had roughly 15,000 hours of lived experience. That is 15,000 hours of observing how conflict is handled, how love is expressed, how stress is managed, and how safety is established.

We cannot dismiss the weight of that.

The Responsibility…and the Relief

If the first six years matter deeply, that realization can feel heavy for parents and educators. It should. Shaping young minds is both a privilege and an enormous responsibility.

But there is also good news.

Human mistakes do not create monsters.

Losing your temper once will not alter your child’s destiny. A stressful season will not define their adulthood. A parenting misstep does not condemn a child to darkness.

What changes life trajectories are patterns — chronic instability, consistent exposure to fear, prolonged emotional neglect, repeated reinforcement of harmful coping mechanisms.

It takes a great deal, and usually a convergence of many factors, to significantly derail healthy development.

What shapes children most powerfully is not perfection, but consistency. Repair. Safety. Predictability. Warmth.

So, Nature or Nurture?

In my professional experience, nurture carries extraordinary weight.

Yes, children are born with temperaments. Some are naturally cautious, others bold. Some are highly sensitive and others resilient in the face of stress.

But temperament is not destiny.

The environments we provide in those earliest years become the lens through which children interpret the world. Those interpretations guide behavior long before conscious reasoning develops.

The little boy who pushed his classmate down was not evil. He was responding to a perceived threat based on a fresh, painful memory.

And perhaps that is the most important takeaway for all of us as adults and caregivers:

Before labeling behavior as “bad,” we must ask, What experience is this child responding to?

Because in the earliest years of life, behavior is rarely about morality.

It is about adaptation.

And adaptation, in its purest form, is a child trying to survive and make sense of the world we have placed them in.

*Footnote: Soft-Hard Split Parenting Dynamic

The “soft-hard split” refers to a parenting dynamic in which one parent takes on a harsh disciplinarian role while the other compensates with an overabundance of leniency. Children raised in this dynamic may learn early on how to manipulate authority figures by playing one parent against the other, often creating confusion around boundaries and power structures.

The first three years of a child’s life are a period of incredible brain growth. More happens during this short window than at almost any other time in life. While it can feel overwhelming as a parent to “get it right,” understanding what’s actually happening in your child’s brain can be helpful and reassuring. Let’s break it down in simple terms.

How the Brain Grows: Back to Front

A child’s brain doesn’t develop all at once. It builds in a very specific order.

Development starts in the back of the brain, which handles basic things like seeing and coordination. Over time, growth moves forward toward the front of the brain, which is responsible for voluntary movement, language, and emotional regulation.

The very front part of the brain, the frontal lobe, is in charge of planning, self-control, and managing impulses. This area is the last to fully mature, which doesn’t happen until adulthood (around age 25). This is why young children are not capable of “just calming down” or “thinking before they act” yet. Their brains are still under construction.

Here’s what that growth often looks like in the early years:

• Around 1 year old: Memory begins to strengthen, and children start copying what they see adults do. Their vision is also maturing, so you’ll notice them tracking moving objects, recognizing familiar faces, and paying closer attention to their surroundings. Imitation becomes one of their main ways of learning.

• Around 2 years old: As movement and thinking skills develop, children begin to understand that words and symbols represent real people and objects. This is why language often explodes around this age. You may see your child pointing, making sounds, and copying facial expressions or actions to communicate before they can fully use words.

• Around 3 years old: The brain starts refining itself by strengthening important connections and letting go of ones that aren’t used. At this age, children develop stronger social and thinking skills. They begin to show empathy, enjoy playing with other children, solve simple problems on their own, and engage in imaginative play—creating stories and pretending in ways that reflect their growing understanding of the world.

“Serve and Return”: How Relationships Build the Brain

One of the most important things to know about early brain development is this: it depends almost entirely upon relationships.

Young children’s brains grow through interactions with adults. Scientists often call this “serve and return,” and it works a lot like a game.

A child “serves” by babbling, pointing, making a sound, or showing interest in something. The adult “returns” by responding with attention, words, facial expressions, or shared focus.

For example:

A child points to a cat (“serve”), and their caregiver responds, “Yes! Look at the cat right there!” while making eye contact (“return”).

These simple, everyday moments do something powerful. They help children feel safe, heard and understood, and they literally build the connections in the brain that help them learn, communicate, and manage emotions later in life.

This is why presence matters more than perfection. It’s not about flashcards or fancy toys, early development is about connection!

A Brain That Is Flexible…and Sensitive

A toddler’s brain is incredibly flexible. This flexibility means young children are especially ready to learn, adapt, and grow. At the same time, it means their brains are deeply shaped by their environment.

Everything around them matters. The tone of voices they hear, the way adults respond to mistakes, the emotions modeled in the home or classroom. Even when children don’t fully understand words yet, their brains are absorbing patterns and messages about the world.

This is why what we say and how we act matters so much. It’s also why nurturing, responsive care has a far greater impact than genetics alone. Experiences shape the brain in powerful ways—for better or for worse.

Rapid Growth and Letting Go

Between birth and age three, a child’s brain forms more connections than it will ever need. This rapid growth is followed by a process called “pruning”.

Pruning is the brain’s way of becoming more efficient. Connections that are used often are strengthened. Connections that aren’t used are gradually removed. This is why repeated, positive experiences are so important. What children practice and experience regularly is what their brains keep.

Think of this as building a strong, well-organized path instead of hundreds of unused roads.

The Takeaway for Parents

You don’t need to be perfect to support your child’s brain development. What children need most is simple, consistent connection: talking, responding, playing, comforting, and being present.

The first three years lay the foundation, but they do so through love, attention, and everyday moment

s far more than through any special program or product.

While a school yard sign appears to communicate nothing more than pride, it can unintentionally share more information than you realize. To someone with bad intentions, the sign indicates that a young child lives in the home, suggests an approximate age range, and identifies the school the child attends. With that information alone, a predator can easily learn more. A quick online search or visit to a school’s website can reveal school hours, daily routines, drop-off and pick-up procedures, and sometimes even photos of students, teachers, or class rosters. When combined, this information can give someone a concerning level of insight into a child’s daily life and routine, making access frighteningly easier than parents might expect.

For families with children in private schools, the risks can be even more nuanced. Many private schools distribute “proud parent” signs to encourage enrollment and visibility within the community. While they are very well intentioned, these signs may also attract the attention of individuals looking for vulnerable targets. To someone casing homes, a private school sign can signal financial stability, suggest that tuition is being paid, and imply that both parents may work outside the home. It can also indicate that the house is likely unoccupied for long stretches during the day while children are at school and parents are working. These assumptions may not always be accurate, but they can still influence criminal behavior and create targets on homes.

Another often-overlooked concern related to school yard signs is child identity theft. Neal O’Farrell, executive director of the California-based Identity Theft Council, advises against school graduation signs for this very reason. Children’s identities are especially vulnerable because fraudulent activity can go unnoticed for years. Names, ages, locations, and school affiliations can be pieced together to create false identities long before parents are even aware that there is an issue. For parents seeking to better understand this risk and how to prevent it, Child Identity Theft: What Every Parent Needs to Know by Robert Chappell is an excellent and informative resource.

None of these concerns suggest that parents should stop supporting their schools or displaying pride in their children’s education. Rather, they encourage families to consider safer alternatives. School logo apparel such as hats, shirts, or sweatshirts allows parents to show support without revealing personal details about their household. Similarly, yard signs with more general wording, such as “Ask me about my school,” can spark conversation while maintaining privacy.

Ultimately, school spirit is a very positive and important part of a child’s educational experience. Supporting schools strengthens communities and fosters connection. As a private school teacher, I can say better than anyone how effective parent support is for enrollment! At the same time, parents deserve to be aware of the potential risks tied to even the most seemingly harmless decisions. By taking a moment to consider what information is being shared and with whom, families can continue to celebrate their schools while prioritizing safety. Being informed does not mean being fearful, it simply means making thoughtful choices with a full understanding of the implications.

As a certified Montessori teacher, I’ve come to see this difference less as a personality trait and more as a reflection of how a child’s motivation has been supported early on. The children who later appear dedicated to learning are often the ones whose intrinsic motivation was protected and nurtured in their earliest years. Montessori education places this idea at its core: if we want children to care deeply about learning later, we must support their internal drive to learn from the very beginning.

What Is Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation is defined as

“The doing of an activity for its inherent satisfaction rather than for some separable consequence. When intrinsically motivated, a person is moved to act for the fun or challenge entailed rather than because of external products, pressures, or rewards.” — Ryan & Deci, Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivations: Classic Definitions and New Directions

In simpler terms, intrinsic motivation is the desire to do something because it feels meaningful, interesting, or satisfying in and of itself. For infants and toddlers, this looks like exploration for the sheer joy of it. Repeating an action, investigating an object or mastering a movement, not because someone praised them or offered a reward, but because their inner drive is pulling them forward. Montessori education is built on the belief that this motivation is strongest in early childhood and that the role of adults is to protect it, not replace it with external incentives.

Intrinsic Motivation in Infants

If you’ve ever watched an infant concentrate deeply on something small, like turning a wooden ring over and over, carefully reaching for a moving object or repeatedly dropping a spoon from a high chair, you’ve seen intrinsic motivation in action. Infants are wired to explore their environment and refine their movements. No one needs to tell them to practice; they are compelled from within as a basic survival instinct seen in nearly all young animals.

In Montessori infant classrooms, we honor this drive by offering simple, purposeful materials and uninterrupted time to explore them. Rather than overstimulating infants with flashing lights, noisy toys or constant adult direction, we prepare an environment that invites self-initiated movement and discovery. (See my article on the importance of a prepared environment) The adult’s role is largely observational, stepping in only when support is truly needed. This respect sends a powerful message, even to the youngest child: your curiosity matters.

Intrinsic Motivation in Toddlers

Toddlers are perhaps the most vivid example of intrinsic motivation you’ll ever encounter. Think of a toddler insisting, “I do it!” as they struggle to put on shoes, pour water, or carry something far too heavy for their size. The motivation here isn’t efficiency or praise, it’s mastery. Many adults are unintentionally stifling their toddlers desire to learn by rushing around and jumping in to help before their children even have the chance to try. I truly believe that the biggest enemy of childhood independence is the adulthood pressure to be on time…but that’s a topic for another article!

In Montessori toddler classrooms, intrinsic motivation shows up in practical life activities: washing hands, preparing snack, sweeping spills, caring for plants. Toddlers repeat these tasks not because they are told to, but because these activities meet a deep developmental need for independence and competence.

Montessori teachers spend a great deal of time observing toddlers to identify what they are drawn to. These observations guide the lessons we offer, aligning with sensitive periods—windows of heightened motivation for specific skills like movement, language, order, or coordination. When a child shows strong interest in pouring, for example, we provide more opportunities that build on that interest rather than redirecting them toward something unrelated. The result is a child who feels understood and empowered in their learning.

Intrinsic Motivation in 3–5 Year Olds: Reading and Writing

By ages three to five, intrinsic motivation becomes especially visible in the explosion of language, reading, and writing. Dr. Montessori described this stage as one in which the child possesses an Absorbent Mind—a remarkable capacity to effortlessly take in information from the environment.

During early childhood, the absorbent mind allows children to effortlessly soak up the rhythms and patterns of both spoken and written language. At the same time, heightened sensitivity to order, language, and sensory input creates the perfect window for literacy. In Montessori classrooms, it’s common to see children returning to language materials again and again. Working with sandpaper letters or composing words with the movable alphabet, not out of obligation, but because this work satisfies their internal drive for development.

What’s fascinating is that contemporary neuroscience now echoes what Dr. Maria Montessori recognized through observation over one hundred years ago: the brain forms a whole region (called the visual word form area) that connects written symbols to their corresponding sounds and meanings. When children are free to explore reading and writing through hands-on, self-directed experiences, this brain development is supported in a way that feels natural and engaging.

How Parents Can Support Intrinsic Motivation at Home

Parents don’t need a Montessori classroom to support intrinsic motivation. Many of the principles translate beautifully into everyday life. Some key practices include:

• Offer choices within clear boundaries, allowing children to feel a sense of autonomy.

• Avoid excessive rewards or praise tied to performance. Instead, acknowledge effort and process. Instead of telling your child, “good job”, try saying something along the lines of, “you should be very proud of your hard work!”.

• Provide real, meaningful work children can participate in, like cooking, cleaning, or caring for their environment. Toys and screens are the toddler equivalent of ‘busy work’. Try giving your child something meaningful to do around the house that they can be proud of.

• Allow repetition without rushing children to move on. Repetition is actually a sign that your child is learning!

• Respect concentration, even when the activity seems simple or unimportant to adults. Once your child gets into the groove of learning and problem solving, don’t interrupt them!

Most importantly, trust that your child wants to grow, learn, and contribute.

Why Self-Guided Learning Matters

When children experience learning as something they choose rather than something imposed, they develop a lasting relationship with education. Montessori classrooms prioritize self-guided learning, where children move at their own pace and follow their own interests within a carefully prepared environment. This stands in contrast to forced group learning models often seen in public schools, where motivation often comes from external pressure rather than internal drive.

The children who seem “hungry for knowledge” didn’t get that way by accident. They were allowed to keep their intrinsic motivation intact. And the good news for parents is this: it’s never about pushing children to love learning, it’s about giving them the space to discover that they already do!

“When I went inside [the classroom], my expectations were met. The children, aged two to six, were serious and serene, occasionally speaking to each other in low, considerate tones. They stacked blocks, strung beads, and arranged letter boards, and of course I had seen these kinds of blocks and beads and boards before, but never these specific, exquisite renderings of them. When it was time for ‘walking on the line’—a morning custom in which the children followed a line of tape on the floor, around and around, silent and judiciously spaced—I felt overcome by a sense of dazed compliance.”

Although Winter’s tone conveys clear discomfort with what she perceives as the children’s demure behavior, her observations are nonetheless accurate, and widely shared. Many adults experience genuine shock when they first step into a Montessori classroom. Respectful, well-mannered toddlers? Soft-spoken, unobtrusive teachers? Both are almost unheard of in the daycare world that most parents expect. Instead, families often anticipate encounter loud, highly stimulating environment filled with bustling children and teachers frantically managing behavior. After all, they are toddlers, so what else could one reasonably expect?

In truth, we can—and should—expect much more.

To understand why traditional preschool classrooms are often chaotic, it helps to view the environment from a toddler’s perspective. A toddler is a human being, just like an adult—smaller and less developed, yes, but equally deserving of respect. When any human has their freedom and autonomy removed, frustration is inevitable. Toddlers are typically unable to leave designated areas without permission, cannot choose when or what to eat, can’t decide when to rest, or even attend to their own bodily needs independently. Without context, this level of restriction bears an uncomfortable resemblance to many prisons.

Now imagine that same human with almost no life experience. Is sand safe to eat? Possibly. Does jumping off a counter hurt? Only one way to find out. Is a bookshelf for reading…or climbing? What’s the difference between boiling water and bath water? They’re both warm liquids. Add to this a complete lack of emotional regulation skills, the same ones that take adults decades to develop. A parent leaves for the day. The child feels abandoned. Will their parents ever come back?

What we are left with is a small human who has the same innate desire for autonomy and respect as an adult, but who is entirely dependent on caregivers who often—consciously or unconsciously—view children as inferior rather than equal. Combined with overstimulating classrooms full of bright colors, loud toys, and constant noise, it becomes clear why many toddler environments feel chaotic. This context also explains why authentic Montessori classrooms consistently yield the opposite result.

Rather than removing freedom, Montessori environments are designed to offer children meaningful choices within clear, consistent boundaries. Children may choose where they work, what materials they engage with, and how long they remain focused on an activity. Even daily routines reflect this respect for autonomy. For example, many Montessori programs follow the principles outlined in Ellen Satter’s Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense. Adults determine when meals occur and what foods are offered; children decide whether to eat, how much to eat, and which foods to try. This approach honors children’s internal cues and fosters trust rather than power struggles.

When a Montessori teacher says no, the response is never arbitrary. Limits are explained with clear, logical reasoning and paired with an appropriate alternative. For instance: “You may not climb on the counter, Johnny. You could fall and hurt yourself. You may climb on the jungle gym outside if you’d like.” In this interaction, Johnny learns that the adult’s role is not to control him, but to keep him safe. His physical need for movement is acknowledged, and he is given a safe way to meet it. Over time, children internalize these respectful interactions, leading to self-regulation rather than external compliance.

The calm often observed in Montessori classrooms is not the result of suppression or rigidity. It is the natural outcome of environments that respect children as capable individuals, provide developmentally appropriate freedom, and trust children to rise to the expectations placed before them. When toddlers are treated with dignity, consistency, and autonomy, they behave—not out of fear or obedience, but out of understanding.

Facial expressions are a cornerstone of human communication, particularly for infants and young children who rely heavily on nonverbal information to understand the world around them. Former FBI agent and body-language expert Joe Navarro has written extensively about the role of facial expressions, eye contact, and micro-expressions in conveying intent, emotion, and meaning—often more powerfully than words themselves. Long before children understand language, they learn to read faces: a raised eyebrow, a tight jaw, or a soft smile communicates safety, danger, approval, or concern.

Research in developmental psychology further highlights this importance through studies such as the Still Face Experiment. In this experiment, when a caregiver maintains a neutral, unresponsive expression, infants quickly become distressed, attempting to re-engage through gestures and cries. The experiment highlights how deeply infants depend on facial responsiveness to regulate their emotions and understand social interaction. When masks obscure much of the face, particularly the mouth and lower facial muscles, children lose access to critical emotional information during a period when their brains are most attuned to learning it.

Since returning to more typical classroom environments post-pandemic, I have noticed several consistent changes in student behavior and communication. One striking difference is the reduced effectiveness of the traditional “teacher look”, the combination of direct eye contact and a stern facial expression that once communicated disapproval without a word ever being spoken. For many children in current classroom, this nonverbal cue no longer registers. Instead, verbal intervention is often required where silent communication once sufficed.

Additionally, students now appear far more reactive to tone of voice than to the actual words being spoken. Neutral or even positive language delivered with a distracted or frustrated tone often elicits a stronger negative reaction than explicitly negative words spoken calmly. This shows that children may be relying more heavily on vocal cues due to a reduced ability in reading facial expressions.

Perhaps most concerning is a general decrease in expressiveness among students. Compared to classes prior to the pandemic, many children now display limited facial affect. Children may hit a peer or take a toy without showing visible anger, or they may appear emotionally neutral even when clearly upset or dysregulated. Emotional states that were once easily “read” on a child’s face are now harder to identify, complicating peer interactions and adult support.

In response to these challenges, many teachers have had to adjust their teaching practices to place a stronger emphasis on teaching nonverbal communication. There is a conscious effort made to align tone of voice with clear, exaggerated facial expressions, helping children connect what they hear with what they see. This intentional pairing supports emotional comprehension for children that struggle to identify facial cues.

I also incorporate frequent emotion-matching activities into the classroom. These include games where children match emotions to photographs of faces, identify emotions in books, or practice making expressions themselves (“Show me what a sad face looks like,” or “What does excited look like?”). These activities help rebuild the emotional vocabulary that may not have fully developed during early masked interactions.

Another effective strategy has been the continued use of baby sign language, even though my students are well past infancy. Many learned basic signs such as yes, no, more, all done, stop, and walk in younger classrooms. I now use these signs deliberately to punctuate instructions and reinforce meaning. When firm correction is needed, I rely less on the silent teacher look and more on clear visual signs like stop or all done, which communicate seriousness without escalating the situation or causing unnecessary disruption.

It is important to acknowledge that every child is different, and there are many factors that may contribute to reduced sensitivity to facial cues. Increased screen time, changes in family dynamics, social isolation, and broader cultural shifts may all play a role and each deserve their own article. Additionally, I have grown significantly as a teacher over the past five years, and my perspective is inevitably shaped by increased experience and confidence in the classroom.

However, these observations are not mine alone. Conversations with colleagues across age groups and educational settings reveal remarkably similar patterns. Many teachers report the same challenges with nonverbal communication, emotional regulation, and expressiveness, and we are collectively experimenting with strategies to better support children who struggle in these areas.

The widespread use of masks during the COVID-19 pandemic was, without question, a necessary measure that protected countless lives. Yet as educators, we are now witnessing the long-term developmental ripples of that period in our classrooms. Children who spent their earliest years surrounded by masked faces may require more explicit support in learning to read emotions, interpret facial cues, and express their own feelings. By recognizing these challenges and adapting our teaching practices accordingly, we can help bridge the gap, honoring both the necessity of past protections and the needs of today’s learners.